This week has been a rough week. It has been emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting. Jacob has regressed pretty severely in his progress over the last couple weeks leading to more melt downs, lots of stimming behaviors and even some self harming behaviors. One of the most difficult parts of a regression in a child with autism is knowing as a parent, there's nothing you can do. All you can really do is be patient.
The reasons for Jacob's regression are personal, but lately we've experienced a perfect storm of issues- all of which could make a child with autism have outbursts and meltdowns- but together are impacting not only our whole family, but his classroom and those he interacts with daily. This entry I hope will explain what is happening with our family this week and honestly, give me a chance to vent.
I'm so exhausted, I'm having trouble even putting this all into words. I have a desire to be eloquent, but lack the mental capacity for it! So bear with me. In the past, when Jacob would have a melt down he would frequently resort to self harm. He slaps himself, bashes his head into walls or door frames, or has thrown his body into walls and other hard surfaces. Among spectrum children, this is common as it provides a sensory input that in some cases can help calm them. As a mother, it's particularly scary to see your child engage in these behaviors. Because of Jacob's sensory integration dysfunction, he also doesn't feel pain like you or I would, so this is more than scary, it's dangerous. Today, he had a meltdown at school so severe, they asked me to take him home. That's never happened before.
I find myself calling my mother in law, Marcia, almost daily this week. She has a phD in special education administration, as well as being the mother of a spectrum child as well. I have had to call her daily to ask if I'm making the right decisions; what can I do different to help him; what should I be doing? Even beyond advice, I call because I know she will always understand how I feel.
Since it's February, kindergarteners are learning about love. Jacob had an assignment where he had to write a few sentences about a time he felt loved and read them to the class. When it was Jacob's turn, his paper was empty. "I've never felt loved." was his response. Anyone who knows me knows this child is BEYOND loved. But for Jacob, love is a fact. I love my mom, my mom loves me. He literally doesn't understand FEELINGS. They have to be explained to him. This lead to the class laughing (they thought he was being silly) and giving him examples to use, "when your mom tucks you in at night! when your mom kisses you! when your mom makes your favorite meal" Jacob just started screaming and put on his noise canceling headphones. For him, those are things moms do. How is that a feeling of love? His teacher had to give him time to settle and then sat him down and explained feeling love is feeling happy when someone you love does something for you that makes you happy. After that, Jacob was fine! He wrote about when we make picnic baskets and eat in the grass on Tuesdays! But let me say, as a mom, having a teacher tell you your son told an entire class he's never felt loved....it broke my heart in two.
This week has been filled with head banging, crying (from both of us) and lots of stress. But I try to remind myself how lucky I am. This is a period of regression. Jacob will eventually work through what's bothering him and get back on track, progressing towards more socially acceptable behaviors. SO many mothers live their day to day lives like this. I know some mothers of autistic children who have it far worse than we do even in this regression period. That doesn't make it easy for us now, but it's a good perspective. I also like to remind myself that Jacob is so loved that even in a school where he's having issues, children rally around him and protect him. When he had an episode on the track today, literally dozens of children surrounded him trying to console him and make him stop hurting himself. They encircled him telling him how much they love him and want him to be happy. And although that tends to make his meltdowns worse, it really illustrates to me how accepted and loved he is.
Amongst this difficult week, there is silver lining in the clouds. He is an exceptional child who is loved by so many more than just me. If it takes a village to raise a child, I know I'm not alone. Thank you to all of you who have been understanding this week. I've been stressed, angry and sad. But as I support him, you support me. And I appreciate it more than you can imagine.
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